Making contact, working a room, meeting a new friend, schmoozing...these are all things that many people find themselves dreading. I've never had that problem. It isn't because I'm full of confidence or consider myself the center of attention. Far from it, I actually struggle with esteem issues; something that many that know me may be surprised to hear. However this post isn't to analyze my self-esteem, I have a therapist for that; rather the idea of meeting new people and "working a room" and how I manage to pull that off when plagued with self-doubt.
Growing up as a young adult my father's house was home to many visitors. Many of these visitors were from Mexico or Sweden. My father was in sales, very high dollar sales, and meeting customers was more of a social event than a sales pitch. I learned early that it is more profitable to build working partnerships than to sell and move. This requires a bit of play-acting. The dinner is a set-piece movement where conversation goes as scripted and everyone, including the children, have a role to play. This isn't to say that things were stilted or contrived. Rather my father's easy going nature and inquisitive mind made conversation naturally free-flowing...even when it was designed to persuade. Folks who know my family will say I'm just like my father in that I will talk to a tree if I get restless. Oddly enough, folks that know me now will see that I am often withdrawn when not clocking office hours.
Being a business man's son, moving into adulthood, experiencing homelessness, joining the military, and now being involved in training and public speaking have allowed me to perfect the art of social graces. Believe it or not, when homeless your charm can mean eating or not eating. So you learn really quickly how to turn a phrase or toss a compliment in order to achieve maximum utility. However, people are quick to perceive dis-ingeniousness. While I may see working a room, or public speaking as a performance art I am sincere in my desire to build connections with people.
Only recently have I learned to reveal my real-self with with a trusted person (outside of the therapist that is) but I've always been good at the public-self. I was raised to understand that people have value. My mother and my father, while being wildly divergent on most things in life, both believed that all people have value. I think this, more than anything, is what helps when connecting with a room full of people. Understand that it is a performance art but it is conducted by people with real feelings, everyone in that room is being their public-self to some extent. However, be sincere in your desire to connect and operate from the "do no harm" standpoint. This will enhance your public-self with a real value that you can project. This value projection allows the other parties to see your humanity and your sincerity. After that it just comes down to conversational skills.
Conversational skills are important. I don't wish to expand on them too much but I will say this: it takes practice. You'd be surprised at the faux pas people are willing to forgive if they detect your sincerity. With time, practice, and hopefully some feedback, people can learn to become naturally more conversant.
The trick for me(remember self-esteem issues) is that my public self is an act built with internal values. I am sincere in my desire to "do no harm". I am sincere in my desire to build connections. I am sincere in my desire to help my clients. What the public sees is a character. As I mentioned above, you must project values that you hold dear. Being in character does not mean being a liar. In many ways my upbringing is what shaped this view of "working a room."
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