Dear Me,

Dear Me,

It's been a long journey from where you were 4 years ago to where you are today. You've overcome a great deal and learned much about yourself in the process. Not all of those lessons were easy lessons were they? The sheer effort into self-improvement has been exhausting but I like to think you are a different man than when you started this whole thing. You still have far to go and hopefully that journey takes you back to where you knew you were happy but for now you still have things to accomplish!

The vision you hold of a better world and leaving the world a better place than how you found it has been tempered by the reality of change. Now you know that the world will continue to be what the world is so long as the people within it find reasons to keep themselves at odds with one another. Therefore you've decided that staying pragmatic, generous, kind, patient, and with an open heart are better ways to affect change than simply wishing it so. It takes action and maybe you don't change the whole world but you're just as happy knowing you've changed the whole world in the eyes of just one person. To do this you are going to need to learn more about staying centered, defeat your inner demons (or at least learn to not listen to them), and keep increasing your knowledge base about the world around you, and most importantly, yourself.

Staying centered isn't easy with so many conflicting demands on your time. Grad school is coming to an end with a final course and while you are wanting your PhD you should also take a moment to rest on your accomplishments. Learning to be proud of what you have done will go a long way towards not only staying centered but also keeping those aforementioned demons from getting too restless. I see that since you know graduate school is winding down you've added new additional duties at work. Are you burying yourself to avoid having to think or are you driven to just make yourself the best you can be in your role? When you have the answer to that you may find that you are also finding a center. There isn't anything wrong with wanting to excel just make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. And while I know there isn't anything else to do with your time at the moment that isn't an excuse to avoid reflection.

As mentioned, keeping the demons of anxiety, depression, and the darkness they bring at arm's length is something that will also need to be done. However, typing that into a letter to you is much easier than you actually being able to do so. If it were easy to defeat inner demons you'd probably have to find a different line of work but that also means you know you have the tools at hand to use and some training in how to use them. Also, take time to be proud of yourself, many don't make it as far as you have in life and while you are busy telling yourself that a great deal of your success was just luck keep in mind how much actual work you've put in. You are also telling asking yourself, "but at what cost?" and that is a legitimate question but keep your hope alive. If you know that your job is to offer some ray of hope to others understand that hope also exists for you. While setting a milestone for this level of personal improvement is difficult as it is a life long process I think that but just not giving up you are already succeeding.

The last thing you'll need to do is keep learning! This MS is one big milestone that is 3 credit hours away from being completed. Find a PhD that works for you such as ethical leadership or bioethics and go for it. But first you'll have to figure out how to pay for it since your GI Bill ended with your MS. You will want to lessen what debt you have first and then move forward. Patience with others is one of your strengths but patience with yourself is something at which you struggle. You've managed to not accrue any additional debt over the past year! Keep it up! Year by year that burden will ease and you'll be able to move forward with either more school or another house of your own. Stay positive with regards to your finances and keep in mind the harsh reality of compound interest.

You've isolated so much the past year that finding people to help in these endeavors isn't going to be easy but you've also managed to accomplish much on your own. You know your family is supportive in their own weird way so keep that in mind. You've also learned much from practicing what you preach by talking with professionals regarding your problems. They help provide tools to keep you balanced and also provide a good sounding board for ideas. If you move back from whence you came you would be moving into a large void that may be more painful than staying where you are. Then again it may not be and you've taken leaps of faith before. Just because this last leap wasn't the best leap doesn't mean they all have been poor decisions. Take heart in the bonds that keep you driven. Keep faith in yourself. And just be proud of what you have done.

Alright Patrick, that's enough lecturing from me to me. You know what you need to do and you have the tools to make it happen. Keep your head up and know that you are worth it.


Love Always,


Me

A Look at Me

One of the more difficult and worthwhile learning experiences I have had, academically speaking, is being forced to look at myself. It is one thing to learn different theories and how to apply them or discuss ethics and philosophy and all of those things are very important. However to lead others one must first know one's self and all the theory in the world won't matter if you don't understand yourself. Personally, I think understanding one's self should be a lifelong process as is learning to filter out what we are told we should be and rather accepting what is good in our lives and building upon them. It shouldn't be a process that stops when the textbook closes. Below is my look at myself as guided by this exercise and while it is less leadership and more personal the two are parts of a greater whole and in keeping with the theme of discussing me here are my responses:

Discuss your assets:
1. My distinctive strengths (Things I know I do well and strengths that others see in me).

 I never really know how to answer this question. My anxiety and self-esteem issues often cloud the good things about me like my sense of humor, my patience, and my capacity to give. People tell me I'm intelligent or some other compliment and I tend to brush them off. I may intellectually know something but feeling it about myself is something different.


2. My potential Strengths (things I could do better or more often if I focused, or things I do well in some situations and could begin to apply more broadly). 

 It would be nice I applied whatever gifts I have to better time management. I don't know that I am insightful into others but I by actually caring about what others think and feel I find that I can learn a great deal about them. I haven't always evenly applied that skill and I'd like to do so. Like most things in life, this takes practice. For the longest time I wasn't the best at communicating my feelings to loved ones and I've worked long and hard to better that skill and I've succeeded to a certain degree. Where I need to work is when I am interacting with others that aren't communicating. I am working on thinking, "maybe they are communicating in a way I am not understanding." I find that gives me pause to consider things I may be missing. However I am not as successful at this as I would like to be. It's a work in progress.


3. My Enduring Dispositions that support me (traits, habits, behaviors that I do not want to change and that help me to be successful). 

Persistence, patience, kindness, generosity, love. While these may look a little sappy I find that if I focus on these traits I am more successful in life. I keep moving forward even when I'm struggling in darkness. I practice patience with others and with myself and thereby am able to be kind and compassionate. Of course I get angry and I've let that anger lead to me say things that I have regretted but by and large I never want to let go of patience and kindness. The ability to love has also kept me going. I know that the capacity to give myself over to that feeling means that I have something with which to center my life. Be it a love for humanity (even while large portions of it make me question humanity) or a love for another person that center feeling guides other actions. I think love is misrepresented a great deal and I think it is less a fairy tale than it is a deep, un-moving connection. Loving humanity means accepting its flaws and working to make them better, just as a loving relationship. My patience is tested daily by patients and even people writing checks at the grocery store but underneath all the flaws is a person and that person is connected to all other people in some fashion. While love for humanity and love for a person may manifest themselves in different ways they both come down to wanting to contribute to the betterment or happiness of either.



Discuss your liabilities:
1. My weaknesses (things I know I don’t do well and I want to do better). 

Despite all of the above statements regarding love for other things I often don't love myself or I allow myself to become dark and morose. A co-worker of mine, who is nearing retirement and who's judgement I have come to trust, told me that throughout his career he has noticed that those who feel deeply often feel rarely. As if each feeling is a monumental effort and takes something away from the person. I don't know if I am one of those people but I have learned that I can go "all in" with a feeling and this can work for both the good and the bad. As I mentioned above I am often wracked with self-doubt and feelings of not being good enough and those feelings, if I indulge them, can lead me to very dark places. Likewise if I give myself over to a positive feeling I become a better person for it. I think this is just part of who I am and I am not sure there is a way to "do it better."


2. Weaknesses I want to Change (things I know I don’t do well and want to change). 

Time management; I am simply awful at time management. I used to be pretty awful at managing my funds as well but I've learned some hard lessons there and do much better. That being said, I always seem to be finding myself, at work anyway, behind on tasks. I always get them done and I'm not late but I do sometimes have to scramble and I think this is due to to an overall sense of disorganization. I have learned to keep my car and home far less cluttered but I am not going to be on HGTV anytime soon. Even now my textbooks are spread on my desk along with tax information that I need to file. Just having those two things cluttered about is an improvement for me but even so I know that if I am not diligent the clutter will take over and I'll be right back where I started.


3. My enduring dispositions that sometimes get in my way (traits, habits, behaviors that I do not want to change and that sometimes cause me to be less effective). 

What causes me to me to persist is what also gets in my way; I know that being stubborn can cut both ways. I know that it can lead to a short temper and sense of being under assault. While it drives me to complete things such as this degree or work on my career it is also causing me to give up things in pursuit of those goals. I am learning that somethings may not be worth the cost. I think that what are our strengths can also be our greatest weaknesses. As I noted I also think that finding a love for others or for humanity is part of what sits at the core of me. However that can come with its own set of pitfalls as once hurt it is easy to protect myself from getting close to others even to the point where I am not sure that I am not happier with isolation. If I allow myself to get discouraged by the negativity on the news or even in the patient's with whom I work I will lose what makes me good at my job and that is the desire to help make the world just a slightly better place.


I have focused a great deal on my core traits that drive me and I think that unless I know both the pros and cons of these traits I will never be an effective leader. As I believe strongly in theories such as transformational leadership, servant-leadership, and complexity theory and these all require a personal investment in the leadership role beyond just giving orders and that requires knowing "me" as a person. It requires that a leader put some small part of themselves into the role. Granted, my loved ones deserve the best that I can give them and they will always have it but being better as a partner or loved one also makes me better as a leader.

The Real Self

This week is a bit of a journey into the self. Readings from this week and excercises were all designed to give me a picture of me.  The first thing we were asked to do was find an actual picture of ourselves that show the "real me." Of the close to 1,000 pictures I've saved either on my phone or in some sort of social media account I can count the pictures of just me on one hand.  I found this more telling than any one picture. I go out of my way to avoid having picture taken. I am not shy by any means but I just don't like how I look in pictures and I don't even know why. I always find fault in something, be it bad hair or maybe I just looked overweight even though I am not obese and I'm thinner now than I was when many of the most recent pictures were taken. From what I can tell others at least think I am easy on the eyes but I never see it. A lifetime of feeling not good enough will do that to you I think.

Speaking of lifetimes, the next exercise was a lifeline that starts at birth (May 28th, 1979) and goes until today. Listing transition points, regrets, accomplishments, deaths of loved ones, or anything significant was difficult. I tend to look at my life in terms of constant transition. I've gone from being someone that I didn't like to being someone that I probably should like but still don't. I learned a great deal about my intellect and reasoning capability by doing very demanding work. I learned even more about myself during my divorce and the insecurities that it brought out which carried over far too long. Recently those are back as it does seem that for many nothing is ever quite good enough but I have learned in those dark moments that I do have limits of what I can bear and I've learned to ask for help. Two surgeries and a brush with a deadly infection gave me an appreciation of how I handle physical adversity, maybe I can thank basic training for that. I also change jobs with increasing frequency. Six years is the longest I've worked anywhere and 7 years is the longest I've lived anywhere since birth. Lately I've changed three jobs in less than four and half years though some of those changes were promotions. In many ways I took my latest promotion as a way to prove to myself I could still achieve and to take my attention away from other events in my life. In hindsight this may have been one of the bigger mistakes I've made even though I earn substantially more money (just received a raise too). Money, as they say, cannot buy happiness. Looking at my timeline I can say that at one point (the seven year stretch) that I would have settled down but obviously didn't happen.

The next section was transitions however I feel that I've been on one long transition for the past three years and the others I've covered above. I am not sure where this current metamorphosis will take me. I've internalized a great deal of change and I constantly struggle with not feeling good enough and that past year, since my move and the regrets it has brought me, have me questioning my judgement. Our text indicates that successful people are often hard on themselves and downplay their strengths. I would go further and say that successful people probably don't feel all that successful even if an objective observer may say differently. By many metrics such as income, career status, higher education, stable housing, a dog, and the ability to do most of what I wish I would appear successful but I don't feel successful and that drives me to the next challenge.

Social identity was an interesting section. I'm an atheist, a democrat, upper middle class, straight, white guy. And that is all I want many people to know, if even that really. Only my closer friends, of which there are few, know my religious stance and social class. This was a tough section and looking back over what I have written I see where I am not sure what my identity really is. I know that certain things like academic and professional achievement bring me a sense of satisfaction so being known as a student and professional is important to me. As noted I am not close to many people and that number has shrank in the past year. I tend to isolate and if I'm brutally honest it's because I don't want to be hurt anymore than I already have. However, I have found that focusing inward has made me more aware of these negative emotional attractors. It may be that I have reached a tipping point of sorts, but as noted above I feel that my last move wasn't the best move for me but I have no idea how to rectify it. Make the best of where I am is one option and I do perform well at work but socially and personally I am not as successful. This is my own doing and it may be that I need to embrace where I am but I am held back but not wanting to be here in the first place. It's a bit of a catch-22 and feeling trapped is limiting my social structure and role.

Moving from the social web I have been asked to write a letter to someone that has had a large effect on my life and this blog posting is partly that letter. A great deal of who I want to be as a person was brought about by being truly in love. I think that many people love the idea of a storybook love but real love is a bit messier than that. It forces you to look at yourself and see your strengths and weaknesses and, despite what Hollywood has told us, it is work. But labors for love are the labors that make us better people. I know that I have patience, compassion, self-sacrifice, generosity, and a supportive nature because I loved and then lived it. I also know that I have poor financial management skills, insecurities, and I'm about as organized as the aftermath of a hurricane and I know this because love forced to me examine these things and work to improve upon them. I'll never be extra organized but I've learned to better manage time. I've not used a credit card in close to a year even though I have a small one open for emergency; cash and carry and small savings a month are what I strive for. The insecurity is something that I will always struggle with and I know that covering myself in degrees and job promotions won't fix that problem. Love taught me that as well. However, what keeps me going is knowing that if someone wonderful loves or loved me than I must not be as bad of a person as I sometimes feel I am.

This hasn't been the most uplifting post I've written and it's the most personal thing I have ever written to achieve a grade. Answering the question of my "real self" isn't something that is going to be done with a chapter in a textbook but I do know that I have a great capacity for love and an endless spirit for the same. I know that I am kind, patient, intelligent, capable, and driven. However, knowing something about yourself and feeling something about yourself are not the same thing. Perhaps my Philosophical Orientation Questionnaire scored as it did because now I know things about myself but don't feel them?