The Real Self

This week is a bit of a journey into the self. Readings from this week and excercises were all designed to give me a picture of me.  The first thing we were asked to do was find an actual picture of ourselves that show the "real me." Of the close to 1,000 pictures I've saved either on my phone or in some sort of social media account I can count the pictures of just me on one hand.  I found this more telling than any one picture. I go out of my way to avoid having picture taken. I am not shy by any means but I just don't like how I look in pictures and I don't even know why. I always find fault in something, be it bad hair or maybe I just looked overweight even though I am not obese and I'm thinner now than I was when many of the most recent pictures were taken. From what I can tell others at least think I am easy on the eyes but I never see it. A lifetime of feeling not good enough will do that to you I think.

Speaking of lifetimes, the next exercise was a lifeline that starts at birth (May 28th, 1979) and goes until today. Listing transition points, regrets, accomplishments, deaths of loved ones, or anything significant was difficult. I tend to look at my life in terms of constant transition. I've gone from being someone that I didn't like to being someone that I probably should like but still don't. I learned a great deal about my intellect and reasoning capability by doing very demanding work. I learned even more about myself during my divorce and the insecurities that it brought out which carried over far too long. Recently those are back as it does seem that for many nothing is ever quite good enough but I have learned in those dark moments that I do have limits of what I can bear and I've learned to ask for help. Two surgeries and a brush with a deadly infection gave me an appreciation of how I handle physical adversity, maybe I can thank basic training for that. I also change jobs with increasing frequency. Six years is the longest I've worked anywhere and 7 years is the longest I've lived anywhere since birth. Lately I've changed three jobs in less than four and half years though some of those changes were promotions. In many ways I took my latest promotion as a way to prove to myself I could still achieve and to take my attention away from other events in my life. In hindsight this may have been one of the bigger mistakes I've made even though I earn substantially more money (just received a raise too). Money, as they say, cannot buy happiness. Looking at my timeline I can say that at one point (the seven year stretch) that I would have settled down but obviously didn't happen.

The next section was transitions however I feel that I've been on one long transition for the past three years and the others I've covered above. I am not sure where this current metamorphosis will take me. I've internalized a great deal of change and I constantly struggle with not feeling good enough and that past year, since my move and the regrets it has brought me, have me questioning my judgement. Our text indicates that successful people are often hard on themselves and downplay their strengths. I would go further and say that successful people probably don't feel all that successful even if an objective observer may say differently. By many metrics such as income, career status, higher education, stable housing, a dog, and the ability to do most of what I wish I would appear successful but I don't feel successful and that drives me to the next challenge.

Social identity was an interesting section. I'm an atheist, a democrat, upper middle class, straight, white guy. And that is all I want many people to know, if even that really. Only my closer friends, of which there are few, know my religious stance and social class. This was a tough section and looking back over what I have written I see where I am not sure what my identity really is. I know that certain things like academic and professional achievement bring me a sense of satisfaction so being known as a student and professional is important to me. As noted I am not close to many people and that number has shrank in the past year. I tend to isolate and if I'm brutally honest it's because I don't want to be hurt anymore than I already have. However, I have found that focusing inward has made me more aware of these negative emotional attractors. It may be that I have reached a tipping point of sorts, but as noted above I feel that my last move wasn't the best move for me but I have no idea how to rectify it. Make the best of where I am is one option and I do perform well at work but socially and personally I am not as successful. This is my own doing and it may be that I need to embrace where I am but I am held back but not wanting to be here in the first place. It's a bit of a catch-22 and feeling trapped is limiting my social structure and role.

Moving from the social web I have been asked to write a letter to someone that has had a large effect on my life and this blog posting is partly that letter. A great deal of who I want to be as a person was brought about by being truly in love. I think that many people love the idea of a storybook love but real love is a bit messier than that. It forces you to look at yourself and see your strengths and weaknesses and, despite what Hollywood has told us, it is work. But labors for love are the labors that make us better people. I know that I have patience, compassion, self-sacrifice, generosity, and a supportive nature because I loved and then lived it. I also know that I have poor financial management skills, insecurities, and I'm about as organized as the aftermath of a hurricane and I know this because love forced to me examine these things and work to improve upon them. I'll never be extra organized but I've learned to better manage time. I've not used a credit card in close to a year even though I have a small one open for emergency; cash and carry and small savings a month are what I strive for. The insecurity is something that I will always struggle with and I know that covering myself in degrees and job promotions won't fix that problem. Love taught me that as well. However, what keeps me going is knowing that if someone wonderful loves or loved me than I must not be as bad of a person as I sometimes feel I am.

This hasn't been the most uplifting post I've written and it's the most personal thing I have ever written to achieve a grade. Answering the question of my "real self" isn't something that is going to be done with a chapter in a textbook but I do know that I have a great capacity for love and an endless spirit for the same. I know that I am kind, patient, intelligent, capable, and driven. However, knowing something about yourself and feeling something about yourself are not the same thing. Perhaps my Philosophical Orientation Questionnaire scored as it did because now I know things about myself but don't feel them?