Dear Me,

Dear Me,

It's been a long journey from where you were 4 years ago to where you are today. You've overcome a great deal and learned much about yourself in the process. Not all of those lessons were easy lessons were they? The sheer effort into self-improvement has been exhausting but I like to think you are a different man than when you started this whole thing. You still have far to go and hopefully that journey takes you back to where you knew you were happy but for now you still have things to accomplish!

The vision you hold of a better world and leaving the world a better place than how you found it has been tempered by the reality of change. Now you know that the world will continue to be what the world is so long as the people within it find reasons to keep themselves at odds with one another. Therefore you've decided that staying pragmatic, generous, kind, patient, and with an open heart are better ways to affect change than simply wishing it so. It takes action and maybe you don't change the whole world but you're just as happy knowing you've changed the whole world in the eyes of just one person. To do this you are going to need to learn more about staying centered, defeat your inner demons (or at least learn to not listen to them), and keep increasing your knowledge base about the world around you, and most importantly, yourself.

Staying centered isn't easy with so many conflicting demands on your time. Grad school is coming to an end with a final course and while you are wanting your PhD you should also take a moment to rest on your accomplishments. Learning to be proud of what you have done will go a long way towards not only staying centered but also keeping those aforementioned demons from getting too restless. I see that since you know graduate school is winding down you've added new additional duties at work. Are you burying yourself to avoid having to think or are you driven to just make yourself the best you can be in your role? When you have the answer to that you may find that you are also finding a center. There isn't anything wrong with wanting to excel just make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. And while I know there isn't anything else to do with your time at the moment that isn't an excuse to avoid reflection.

As mentioned, keeping the demons of anxiety, depression, and the darkness they bring at arm's length is something that will also need to be done. However, typing that into a letter to you is much easier than you actually being able to do so. If it were easy to defeat inner demons you'd probably have to find a different line of work but that also means you know you have the tools at hand to use and some training in how to use them. Also, take time to be proud of yourself, many don't make it as far as you have in life and while you are busy telling yourself that a great deal of your success was just luck keep in mind how much actual work you've put in. You are also telling asking yourself, "but at what cost?" and that is a legitimate question but keep your hope alive. If you know that your job is to offer some ray of hope to others understand that hope also exists for you. While setting a milestone for this level of personal improvement is difficult as it is a life long process I think that but just not giving up you are already succeeding.

The last thing you'll need to do is keep learning! This MS is one big milestone that is 3 credit hours away from being completed. Find a PhD that works for you such as ethical leadership or bioethics and go for it. But first you'll have to figure out how to pay for it since your GI Bill ended with your MS. You will want to lessen what debt you have first and then move forward. Patience with others is one of your strengths but patience with yourself is something at which you struggle. You've managed to not accrue any additional debt over the past year! Keep it up! Year by year that burden will ease and you'll be able to move forward with either more school or another house of your own. Stay positive with regards to your finances and keep in mind the harsh reality of compound interest.

You've isolated so much the past year that finding people to help in these endeavors isn't going to be easy but you've also managed to accomplish much on your own. You know your family is supportive in their own weird way so keep that in mind. You've also learned much from practicing what you preach by talking with professionals regarding your problems. They help provide tools to keep you balanced and also provide a good sounding board for ideas. If you move back from whence you came you would be moving into a large void that may be more painful than staying where you are. Then again it may not be and you've taken leaps of faith before. Just because this last leap wasn't the best leap doesn't mean they all have been poor decisions. Take heart in the bonds that keep you driven. Keep faith in yourself. And just be proud of what you have done.

Alright Patrick, that's enough lecturing from me to me. You know what you need to do and you have the tools to make it happen. Keep your head up and know that you are worth it.


Love Always,


Me