A Look at Me

One of the more difficult and worthwhile learning experiences I have had, academically speaking, is being forced to look at myself. It is one thing to learn different theories and how to apply them or discuss ethics and philosophy and all of those things are very important. However to lead others one must first know one's self and all the theory in the world won't matter if you don't understand yourself. Personally, I think understanding one's self should be a lifelong process as is learning to filter out what we are told we should be and rather accepting what is good in our lives and building upon them. It shouldn't be a process that stops when the textbook closes. Below is my look at myself as guided by this exercise and while it is less leadership and more personal the two are parts of a greater whole and in keeping with the theme of discussing me here are my responses:

Discuss your assets:
1. My distinctive strengths (Things I know I do well and strengths that others see in me).

 I never really know how to answer this question. My anxiety and self-esteem issues often cloud the good things about me like my sense of humor, my patience, and my capacity to give. People tell me I'm intelligent or some other compliment and I tend to brush them off. I may intellectually know something but feeling it about myself is something different.


2. My potential Strengths (things I could do better or more often if I focused, or things I do well in some situations and could begin to apply more broadly). 

 It would be nice I applied whatever gifts I have to better time management. I don't know that I am insightful into others but I by actually caring about what others think and feel I find that I can learn a great deal about them. I haven't always evenly applied that skill and I'd like to do so. Like most things in life, this takes practice. For the longest time I wasn't the best at communicating my feelings to loved ones and I've worked long and hard to better that skill and I've succeeded to a certain degree. Where I need to work is when I am interacting with others that aren't communicating. I am working on thinking, "maybe they are communicating in a way I am not understanding." I find that gives me pause to consider things I may be missing. However I am not as successful at this as I would like to be. It's a work in progress.


3. My Enduring Dispositions that support me (traits, habits, behaviors that I do not want to change and that help me to be successful). 

Persistence, patience, kindness, generosity, love. While these may look a little sappy I find that if I focus on these traits I am more successful in life. I keep moving forward even when I'm struggling in darkness. I practice patience with others and with myself and thereby am able to be kind and compassionate. Of course I get angry and I've let that anger lead to me say things that I have regretted but by and large I never want to let go of patience and kindness. The ability to love has also kept me going. I know that the capacity to give myself over to that feeling means that I have something with which to center my life. Be it a love for humanity (even while large portions of it make me question humanity) or a love for another person that center feeling guides other actions. I think love is misrepresented a great deal and I think it is less a fairy tale than it is a deep, un-moving connection. Loving humanity means accepting its flaws and working to make them better, just as a loving relationship. My patience is tested daily by patients and even people writing checks at the grocery store but underneath all the flaws is a person and that person is connected to all other people in some fashion. While love for humanity and love for a person may manifest themselves in different ways they both come down to wanting to contribute to the betterment or happiness of either.



Discuss your liabilities:
1. My weaknesses (things I know I don’t do well and I want to do better). 

Despite all of the above statements regarding love for other things I often don't love myself or I allow myself to become dark and morose. A co-worker of mine, who is nearing retirement and who's judgement I have come to trust, told me that throughout his career he has noticed that those who feel deeply often feel rarely. As if each feeling is a monumental effort and takes something away from the person. I don't know if I am one of those people but I have learned that I can go "all in" with a feeling and this can work for both the good and the bad. As I mentioned above I am often wracked with self-doubt and feelings of not being good enough and those feelings, if I indulge them, can lead me to very dark places. Likewise if I give myself over to a positive feeling I become a better person for it. I think this is just part of who I am and I am not sure there is a way to "do it better."


2. Weaknesses I want to Change (things I know I don’t do well and want to change). 

Time management; I am simply awful at time management. I used to be pretty awful at managing my funds as well but I've learned some hard lessons there and do much better. That being said, I always seem to be finding myself, at work anyway, behind on tasks. I always get them done and I'm not late but I do sometimes have to scramble and I think this is due to to an overall sense of disorganization. I have learned to keep my car and home far less cluttered but I am not going to be on HGTV anytime soon. Even now my textbooks are spread on my desk along with tax information that I need to file. Just having those two things cluttered about is an improvement for me but even so I know that if I am not diligent the clutter will take over and I'll be right back where I started.


3. My enduring dispositions that sometimes get in my way (traits, habits, behaviors that I do not want to change and that sometimes cause me to be less effective). 

What causes me to me to persist is what also gets in my way; I know that being stubborn can cut both ways. I know that it can lead to a short temper and sense of being under assault. While it drives me to complete things such as this degree or work on my career it is also causing me to give up things in pursuit of those goals. I am learning that somethings may not be worth the cost. I think that what are our strengths can also be our greatest weaknesses. As I noted I also think that finding a love for others or for humanity is part of what sits at the core of me. However that can come with its own set of pitfalls as once hurt it is easy to protect myself from getting close to others even to the point where I am not sure that I am not happier with isolation. If I allow myself to get discouraged by the negativity on the news or even in the patient's with whom I work I will lose what makes me good at my job and that is the desire to help make the world just a slightly better place.


I have focused a great deal on my core traits that drive me and I think that unless I know both the pros and cons of these traits I will never be an effective leader. As I believe strongly in theories such as transformational leadership, servant-leadership, and complexity theory and these all require a personal investment in the leadership role beyond just giving orders and that requires knowing "me" as a person. It requires that a leader put some small part of themselves into the role. Granted, my loved ones deserve the best that I can give them and they will always have it but being better as a partner or loved one also makes me better as a leader.